What happened to posting here anyways

Well, a lot happened actually. We went and recognized we are a median, we went through many emotional swings during the disaster that is our home's politics and changes, we're still coping with the loss of someone who was so dear to many people in our life that despite not being close with them, we most certainly share the sorrow among them all, and amidst all of that had a near mental breakdown being asked probing questions about our socmed posts because it was just "too conveniently timed". We're struggling terribly with art, with our job, with supporting our friends as best we can.

But we're tired. Tired and broken but still trying to march forward as best ee can because we still want to give everyone the time of day and support we always have shown. Even if for some, we feel like we've been harmed by them for reasons that, to us, felt incomprehensible and surely with even mentioning this, on our own site, can tell it will only make the accusations worse and the feelings more bitter and disappointed with us.

At this point it just feels like things are going back to how they were again. Stuck pandering to the whims of others because of hpw afraid we are of being forgotten. Stuck having to keep our mouth shut because everything and anything we do or say will be twisted by someone else. Back to feeling like an animal that desperately avoids being hunted down... for sport. Most people we know are still grieving and processing, and those who aren't are otherwise engaged and coping with things as they are with others. We can't even begin to talk of others we know who sinply do not have the capacity for us.

When we need it most, it's always like this. When we need someone to be strong for us, there is nothing.

A friend had mentioned not long ago that you have to take care of yourself in order to be able to care for others. You are the heart of your garden and you cannot uproot yourself without decimating what your garden is.

The troubling thing is; We have never known how to care for ourself. We have known how to treat ourself and spoil ourself. But we have never known true care, not even by our own hands. And truthfully? We don't think we ever will.

We have yet to say a word to anyone today. We don't know if we can. We're just too spent. Too burnt. We don't care if we're spurned or hated or are a disappointment. We simply are too dead in our core right now to care.

Despite this we hope you find your happiness. It won't be here, but we hope so anyways.