I don't know

I don't know what it means when I have such suddend and extremely hostile breakdowns. I don't know why I have such breakdowns. Ones that lead me to back away from friends and loved ones. Ones that have me uproot everything that makes me happy. It's insanity that something inside me breaks in a way that just wastes everyone's affection, their positivity towards me, their kindness.

It always starts as something that most people could just brush off; Pangs of jealousy, lousiness from being alone, suffering the work day normally, hangups from a conversation going wrong.

But soon enough they always end up reminding me of how absurd my wants and needs always feel. No matter how many times I'm told it's okay. No matter how many times I'm told I'm valid. It all gets so muddy and confusing. Things I'm told are wrong for feeling are okay suddenly. Things I'm told are evil and vile are okay by some others. I'm just having to second guess everything. Am I being too clingy towards my friends and people I really like? Am I being parasocial and not realizing it? Am I being too pushy? Too nagging? Too vindictive with things I like or don't like? Even my previous entry feels like it's just breaching so many boundaries on what's "okay".

I feel like I hardly function without the people who do talk to me. And yet if something isn't aligned just right, I crumble again. Then I start seeking attention and validation anywhere I can. Failing that, I suppose it just makes me break down again.

I always cite myself as being uncontrollably high maintenance. And this last time has been especially accurate of that. Maybe it's also the holiday stress, the lack of consistency of people who can comfort me exactly when I need it, and just...

No one has the capacity for me. Not thst they should or need to. It's just the reality of the situation.

Sorry.