Heart Flutterings 2

It just kinda keeps happening huh. Just ripping casual conversations into full blown flusterings that just make me kind of want to hide my face and snap my eyes shut, hoping that I can hold onto the perceived feeling a little longer...

But I suppose I always feel a twinge of this when I'm dm-ing certain peoole and we get cutesy about snuggles and cuddles and such.

Truth be told, silly as it is to act this way about text or emotes on a screen of the internet, I... am really selective about who I respond to when it comes to talking about hugs or headpats because irl I have a problem with the idea of people beung in my space, and somehow that also applies to online for me. It gives me the feeling of nails on a chalkboard...

But the people I feel comfortable around, when they do thise things, it just feels fine. But sometimes it also just feels... far more comforting. Comfort I long for desperately. Especially wheb talking about some very therapeutic ideals, like the oft mentioned "big gay couch" among my DMs with two particular people. I just... it always gives me small flashbacks of the one time I got to spend a night curled up with someone I loved a lot at the time. It was so warm, warmer than I could ever enjoy normally but somehow it just lulled me to sleep so much faster. I could... almost remember so many other details.

But... that was almost 15 years ago at this point. And I've never had such an experience again. Someone I could hold and feel their warmth and softness. Feeling that physical level of love. So each time these DMs happen it just makes me think about it a little and brings back such a strong feeling of longing. I just have to remind myself that maybe someday that longing can finally be dispelled.

I miss her. But I didn't deserve her. Especially at the time.