Heart Flutterings

So normally if something kinda goes into some more intimate details here, I'd hide it behind a member's only thing and tag it as nsfw on here so people who don't wanna don't gotta.

But given this is just a blog post I'm just gonna say it here, today's entry is gonna get pretty in depth to some euphoric feelings.

Cool? Cool. So like... tonight I've been mostly just musing on how funny and strange it is that my overall tastes have changed over the past like decade and a half about what makes my heart sing and the lights in my brain buzz insanely. Like yeah you always kind of have your tastes change over time naturally, but for me it just seems like it keeps piling on.

Honestly the thing that really surprised me as a change in that for me this past year is... a certain intimacy that I often saw and didn't quite "get". You could simply summarize whst I'm talking about as eroguro, but I guess for me it's more specific aspects. Like as an example, two immortals who are clearly using extreme violence towards each other as it's own love language. So called "rivals" having their hearts race faster and faster as they attempt to cut each other, stab one another, just gettibg messy with each other's blood.

I think what spawned this forming in my mind was moreso, though, the idea of a being or creature left alone and hurt lashing out violently at everything around them, being cast aside as this intimidating "great evil", to the point that even help seemed pointless. Until that one person weathers anything they do to embrace them for what they are and pull out the soft, sad, and sorely in need of love creature from their depths. And even though that great evil is tamed, they still need to have something to lash out on, and the same person who "saved them" willingly soaks it all in, no matter how painful it is to bear for their sake.

I think it really hit me today by way of having a long little playful... well I guess roleplaying, not that it was proper or anything, that made me really let this thing into my heart as a sensation that I feel a lot of emotion from. The entire thibg was simply myself teasing a much more creature aspected friend in how they tried to act very tough and scary and intimidating. Now me and my poisoned mind could never see them, no matter how horrific or beastial they wanted to appear to me as, could view them as nothing short of just a gorgeous being. So I teased them and let them playfully bite my shoulder and egged them on and on until it devolved into them gorging on the shoulder meat of the universe, just unflinchingly stringing them along and comforting them as they did so with the image of it in my mind just... appearing so sweet and intimate to my senses. Genuinely it made my heart flutter something fierce.

It's... strange really. What my mind considers euphoric and intimate when in reality...? I'm a big ol' wuss. I could not bear the idea of having pain of any kind inflicted on me. But something about the fantasy of letting someone I hold in high regard feast on my flesh whether it was for their own pleasure or raw hunger? Sounds heavenly, somehow.

Brains sure are a fun and curious little bundles in what makes us all tick...

"But Koja! Why is this nsfw? This is still technically sfw feeling right?" Bad news, things that send the signal to make my heart feel all gushy and fluttery also tend to make that horny part of my brain also light up! I just try not to be vocal about it lmfao