Gender Thoughts

Been a while since we had a thought post huh... unfortunately it's gonna get rather tmi so here's your warning now.

Well more importantly, we've been having a lot of complicated feelings as of late. Especially in regards to our body, and our feelings towards things like sex and general intimacy. Maybe part of this is due to the amount of influential ace folk in our life as late, maybe it's just a natural progression of how our transition has been going. Who's to say...

Anyhow firstly we'd like to give kind of a background for ourself to... put things in perspective. Amab on entering this world and growing up we'd always... had some funny feeling. Puberty 1 was pretty rough! Ashamed for what we found interest in because we were told it's bad or wrong, or portrayed as evil in stories and such for men to be that way. Let alone how we were scolded, and later in life ridiculed for things we've been caught viewing. What can we say, we've always thought girls were pretty, at any age we've existed.

Anyhow, fast forward to post graduation, and what did our deadbeat ass start doing? Delving into all the silliest things we could. ERP, trawling through boorus or pixiv or whatever at the time, just drowning in whatever we could find interesting. Whatever made our heart skip a beat, and put butterflies in our tummy. Heck, even a significant portion of our online art as an artist? Egregious amounts of horny artwork, as if evidence of it doesn't exist still or anything. Hell, we still enjoy drawing obscene figures and can look at some derranged niche and think to ourself "wow, that's cute, it must feel wonderful!".

But latelt, especially moreso since we got onto hrt, we've... maybe wondered if all of those feelings from the past and such, maybe... we don't actually want our specific form of loving intimacy to be sex. We... kind of hate our male-born defaults to be quite honest, especially in the past where part of our aversion to touch from strangers and folk who we don't know super well is... well, we're a smidgen too touch starved. Our body gets too excited, and we kinda hate it! We think how awkward it would be just trying to hug someone we love so much but they're ace and how gross that would be for them! We think about how the littlest things would get us worked up for no reason! Because it absolutely has in the past, we've just hidden it, tried not to be strange about it, but more and more we just... don't want it.

But that's not to say we don't want to feel our heart race from gentle hands. We don't want to feel nothing if someone were to ever want to engage any form of intimacy with us. And that's where we've thought about "null" a lot more and more these passing years.

While not specific tied to only the groin, null is basically like being a barbie doll; there's nothing downstairs, no penis, no balls, no vagina, nothing. But in the more ideal sense of a fantastical setting, the pressure, the electric sensation of hormones roiling around, the pleasure sensors are there. Just no release, no availability for coitus. Lime infinite edging. To get the blood pumping and the euphoric high to fill the brain. Some folk even like it so much that they apply this to their chest as well.

But anyhow, it's just... a rather fabtastical ideal. Because truthfully we're realizing that we don't care about the bits. We don't care about fucking. We don't need insertion to fulfill our intimacy needs.

We just desire our heart to beat fast, and for whomsoever we could feel blessed to be our partner to simply hold us, squeeze us, and let us kiss wildly.

To be loved passionately on each other's terms.

We wonder if that's what being ace kind of is in a way...