Emotional Rollercoaster

Been trying to think about why we've been having troubles with our highs and lows lately since it definitely feels like it's gotten more wild over the past few months. Like yeah greater world events are part of it certainly but there's definitely other factors playing into this.

We think we have it narrowed down but it... just doesn't feel great to admit to. Even if people tell us it's okay or try to offer solutions, it doesn't really make it feel better why we get hit like this.

And it's... well quite simply put, we can't keep ourself "busy" enough. Whether it's just being able to focus on art, or a game, or have a small project for ourself to do, or having people give us things to do. We went from nearly every day getting home from work doing something from that list of items for like almost half a year straight, to ever since the turn of the new year we're lucky if we have something to keep us occupied. The more we idle, the more we are left alone with those shitty awful thoughts. Those lies that our brain tells us that we know aren't true, but in our weakness choose to believe them. Like that no one wants to be around us, that our friends are quieter because they want nothing to do with us anymore, that we're fooling ourself into thinking we don't belong.

We don't... know what to really do about that though. Focus on our own stuff is just a really poor dice roll, and we can't just... demand people entertain us. So we end up falling into these pits and it worries others, it makes us feel bad for the people who reach out hoping to help only to get some snapping, sobbing little creature. We just... feel wretched for it.